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18.9.03
19-i have found out that my archives are disabled. so i can only read the content in the working modus. this is not very practical. we ve had that previously. but i guess i will find a third name to start a third log here. and if not i still have livejournal.com - so let us have a look how this works out tonite. will these lines appear anywhere?
8:51 PM
12.7.03
18-now one could say i am really getting confused with all these weblogs. but i think i have found the clou -it is this one woelfin.at/tag -and this is not a messageboard (tagboard) but a diary: my new diary. with quite some problems about not knowing how to fill it. not because i consider my life so empty, but for the fact that everyone can read this. as i remarked in that diary, i am positively thinking towards the possibility of a new job. oh it is funny! today i found out that the secretary of the lawyers office who cancelled the date because they had found out about my websites are STILL looking for someone!! haha. rarely that i say that in the net but now i even repeat it: haha. GODANY has left blogspot cause he wasnt satisfied with its performance. but i AM now satisfied. i am learning a lot of english vocabulary thx 2 my work @ fotolog.net. there is nothing more i can tell 2day apart from the fact that now nearly all contacts with other websingles have vanished, i will meet my poldisHerrl in 2 hrs and we will finally have some hours exclusively for us - and his dog. another frightening thing is: just for the fun of it i looked for woelfin susi (woelfinsusi) in google. they had 10 fat pages about me! this is not funny. it is like a file at fbi. but now it has happened. and when i call my mails via gmx i may only call them via susi.yin (susi.yin replaces HERE my real name) and not with woelfinsusi. cause the pc remembers the term woelfinsusi. and if ever a possible colleague works on my pc, she goes to gmx, she only types w: woelfinsusi appears. then she puts that into the google - and then she HAS me! oh what a horror. landed on the street for the simple fact of entertaining 35 cute little sites in the worldwide infinite endless web: a deadly sin - to speak that out clearly: one time for all!
5:15 PM
5.7.03
17-the state of the art, things are silently growing back 2 normal again. we continue in not having physical encounters. i believe in him. he starts to re-believe in me. he speaks very very silently. he told me about his new jobs. people of his caliber who start there have a number of privileges like going out of the office when they like, they just need to tell it: so no 'stempelkarte' as i knew it from my previous company. in the meantime i go through austrian job offers which pay about 1090 - 1350 gross salary. this is pure horror. i had earned 2300 euro in my previous work and i would earn now about 2500 if only i had stayed there but they had bought my nerves and not yet returned them. noone can give me back the good condition i had before i started 2 work there. more and more often i think of what i d have become if only i had not started working for that company, in 1998. they gave me wealth, but i had no private life at all. everything which was similar to private life was an illusion. but i would wish both of us nothing more than working, both of us. on the other hand: he s got a job with above mentioned privileges and i am not even sure if i will STAND the future job! i mean: i go to an office to present myself and i see at once: is it possible or not. it is surely not possible when i have to sit in a room with a person coughing regulary. but there are additional aspects that can prevent me from staying. prevent me even from getting thru' the trial month. i d just try. i KNOW there is an opportunity that will suit me. and if i do nothing: NOTHING comes from nothing. we come from nothing. we GO 2 nothing. what have we lost?? NOTHING !!!
10:38 AM
3.7.03
16-this is a torture. i am looking constantly to mail.yahoo if he replies my daily mails. he doesnt. and it is very well possible that he has stopped receiving them via his server. so he doesnt get any notice from me. i am going through the very well know situation of love deception. he had a signature which said: there is magic in every beginning. and usually his relationships during the last years havent lasted longer than 3 months. and WE have even had 6 months. there are many reasons for him to quit me, and to say in the end: i was guilty. me: woelfin. this is the reproach he loves most. there were men i ve left and they deserved a good relationship and they found it soon after having ended the one with me. but he: i think that in the egocentric imaginary world he lives in, he will never be able to keep a relationship alive. why? cause he becomes tired. and IT becomes tired. in many ways. and a woman who wants to feel life and physical encounters will not be satisfied. so what does he wont? a puppet on a string on his side? a puppet for representation? a puppet who has accomplished her university studies, who makes a career, who stands in life with both feet, as we say in austria? this man is an enigma. and i am really not sure if i am willing to resolve this any longer.
his action of giving away his flat and sleeping room, his - with the time more and more abhorring physical discomforts: this is so terribly destroying for a relationship. for every relationship! and he does not accept this. it is as if he reproached ME his physical discomforts. maybe I was guilty. maybe it was for this reason: it was my fault that he felt more and more weak physically and he had not had these discomforts before.
it is abhorring. so terribly appaling. all this works under the lema: i help U to resolve problems which without me you wouldnt have had. there is so much i want to say. he will never read my mails. i have sworn to myself to write him daily during the next 2 months. until this hell is over. i even thought of taking just any kind of miserable job just in order to satisfy HIM: to be able to tell him: look, i have a job again. do U like me now. do you like me again: do U still like me? was this all an illusion?
u re a man who loves illusions. and it is U: you to throw away now what we had. with every sentence with which i express my anger and despair now it is as if i destroyed the rest of what COULD be destroyed. i havent seen U for 6 days and i miss u so terribly.
2:09 PM
1.7.03
15-i m keen on writing here every day. cause this is the usual way to work on an ended relationship. i have now at least three times tried to reach him via mail and he owes me 2 mail replies. i guess he ignores everything which comes from me. it his HIS role to ignore me now, but in fact i would have considered it easier to keep a rational mail contact as this would help both of us. there are two new ideas about the end of our relationship that came up to my mind now: from today on he is a different person. i have known him as the boy with the baseball cap, holes in his shoes and cut-off jeans. but now he is an important man in a costume with a tie at 40 degrees. but his health problems wont vanish, he can only keep the symptoms down. maybe he didnt go to the med.doc because he did not know where to get the 'krankenschein' - he would have had to apply for that at the administration of 'uni'. oh how humiliating. or is it more humiliating to die from stomach ulcer? i dont know. this is his decision and only his.
there's a second point i detected today: this man wanted the exclusive right on physical contact with me. this is totally understandable BUT: he avoided any physical contact! and this was due to his discomfort. the intestinal discomfort remained not only for days, but for weeks. how would he imagine to manage all that: 3 jobs and a pet? not to talk from a girlfriend who wants to be f---d - if i may dare to use this expression here in my diary. i ask myself who from the two of us lives in an imaginary world. and of course my personal opinion and impression is that it is HIM who lives in wonderland. and it is not me. there's no one to give me contra on this, as there's noone to read my secret blogspot.
8:24 PM
30.6.03
14-so this is the new blogger software. i can only hope it works better than the old one. apart from that maybe this gives me the opportunity to re-activate woelfin.blogspot - it is such a pity for that old blog!
its all over now baby blue. he has written me the last mail on saturday, telling me that he, too - accepted waiting for some weeks before we could really come together physically. that was my fault. and now it is his fault. but there is a number of things that are more important to him. he had always said that the relationship is for him more worth than anything. but now it came AFTER the man he shared the appt with, AFTER the dog and long after his future job. i told him we take 2 months rest. and i see my feelings for him pass away bit by bit. i feel as lonely as i have ever been before. and being with him was a lie. it was a lie to myself. i thought im not lonely but i WAS. it is good that it is over. i am now at the end of the social scale - totally at the end. i stopped every contact with people who pay taxes. my behaviour becomes more and more confused. so isolating myself is the best solution, really. even if it hurts. it is the truth and it is the nature of truth to hurt.
5:33 PM
14.6.03
13-now even without ant/2day i am online again for hours and online life is really great again. so great that i even run the risk of trying another blogger-entry. i ve had probs with that on 25 may but i think that this time it will be better. the greatest flop was 20six. i ve never met a paralyzed server like that before! when i go to antville.org now, it seems so retarded to me. not longer interesting. it is the moment when i see that this actually is not of any importance at all. i have found again the pleasure in writing in foreign languages. i correspond with adrian and will additionally contact further french friends, including their psychonet forum. the address of that is http://myblog.de/woelfin - so goodbye for now. as far as it seems this is going to be a splendid, gorgeous - but very verrry hot day in vienna!
9:25 AM
12.6.03
12-it was not possible to upload a story before the new installation on may 25th. so i try it again now. i just copy and paste the story from that day: hello dear SPOT
you are indeed a very small and neglected spot in the internet, and let me just mis-use u for the moment as the tautological weblog. people still dont understand until now that i am going to close down alpha. having spent a year with it is really enough and i m kind of sick of it. i am also sick of the superficialty which has always gained and grown in the two villages, together with hypocrisie. this is no longer my world: so LET this no longer be my world. for the moment i have re-activated LJ as my current i-net diary. i am not really integrated in a community there. this fact makes it easy for me to express myself freely, contrarily to antville. there are people i accept in the villages, there are people / no comment.
usually i have to work a long time in order to really liberate myself from the stickiness to ALPHA - in reality i have no longer been interesting and interested there. there was more bitterness than content. do i want to live in a village full of 'turcs': no.
12:18 PM
25.5.03
11-hello dear SPOT, you are indeed a very small and neglected spot in the internet, and let me just mis-use u for the moment as the tautological weblog. people still dont understand until now that i am going to close down alpha. having spent a year with it is really enough and i m kind of sick of it. i am also sick of the superficialty which has always gained and grown in the two villages, together with hypocrisie. this is no longer my world: so LET this no longer be my world. for the moment i have re-activated THIS as my current i-net diary. i am not really integrated in a community there. this fact makes it easy for me to express myself freely, contrarily to antville. there are people i accept in the villages, there are people / no comment.
usually i have to work a long time in order to really liberate myself from the stickiness to ALPHA - in reality i have no longer been interesting and interested there. there was more bitterness than content. do i want to live in a village full of 'turcs': no.
10:48 PM
30.4.03
10-i ve by the way been talking with the american person - he seems somehow reserved i cant help. but maybe i m the one who is reserved - i am always the one who s guilty
talked 2 pH - seems 2 B ok, though i ve explained to him that for the moment i wont appear too freequently in his flat which means not at all.
they go to watch soccer and i m so glad for them to have a so-called herrenabend. pH really deserves it
oh how did we both feel when we thought it was all over
he has a piece of my heart and vice versa
i ve never felt this before
other relationships were based on some kind of stupid dependency
but this is somehow different
i update LV cause i ve changed my icon in 2day and in livejournal as well.
i will update blogspot as i m afraid to lose it otherwise.
i have lost my first blogspot for some reason and i absolutely dont want this to happen with this one
here u have addi of my photo blog http://woelfin.antville.org
7:35 PM
31.3.03
9-just wanting to know if my blogspot is still working as my previous one left me after 10 months. i want to invite hummelhonig to livejournal and it is not possible. i hope we will find a solution for that. apart from that i follow the news in the iraq-war. very good sites are the following centcom.mil cbsnews.com cnn.com - i also found some spanish journals which are still open for users who are not registered. other excellent printmedia sources in the web are ad.nl ksta.de wams.de larazon.es gazzettino.it lemonde.fr and last but not least kidon.com
12:38 AM
16.3.03
8-one thing is actually funny: people who do not need to be respected in any way, blame me now of having numerous presences in the net. why this? because i love different layouts, i love programming, myself. i love feeding logs and locations in the net with content. and every day more i see that the feedback from outer cyberspace does no longer affect me. may it be positive or negative. i have for example started a cultural and a women's log which could be fed by other persons, as well. noone takes the opportunity. apart from that the lie goes that i delete entries: well, i have been blessed numerous times by a various mob of persons.
i dont mind. i ll keep on going doing my thing. pauses like this one have always been a source of new abundant output. one thing is quite probable now: after 295 days - nearly 300 days of alpha the days of alpa.ant are gone.
there is one opportunity to open again to 'public' when alpha is a year old.
but what public? i have once had a bunch of enthusiastic readers. ok, they re no longer enthusiastic. so, but why cant they stop reading the diary? one thing is a pity. i would love to delete the whole diary woelfin.2day. but i wont. and there s no possibility to close woelfin.2day to the public. apart from that woelfin.2day contains numerous very useful linklists. but noone knows that.
because people have never estimated content in the net. they estimate socializing, id est mobbing, treating other persons, and so on.
why do i write blogspot? just because i want to practice my english
in may a friend's friend from the U.S comes to vienna. he will be convinced of the fact that my english is appaling
i dont mind: maybe it will get better while i am writing blogspot for a couple of days.
cause i love to write in the net. i do this for noone but me. cause theres noone to feedback these texts. and this is good...
4:33 PM
2.3.03
7-I found out that i prefer livejournal to blogspot. which means that something has to happen with blogspot
i dont want woelfinsusi.blogspot to be frozen like woelfin.blogspot
i feel ignored here - something has to happen.
i will probably think about my initial idea to put an English story every second day HERE. this is the story which i wrote in livejournal on a pair day!
this is working really good
henningz informed me about lj_deutsch which i subscribed
i have bad conscience with regard to twoday because i am really writing a lot there (alternating to http://alpha.antville.org )
and who has subscribed woelfin_twoday is really spammed with my contributions, which may be informative or 'strangely attiring' for some readers.
i had subscribed plinko but had to unsubscribe again, as he writes often and long, which irritated the overview in my friends-contributions-list
apart from that i have decided today to write http://myblog.de/woelfin in French and send it out to every french native speaker i know.
i dont know many, but this is another story!
i wish all the best to my readers henningz, delfin and above all: susi in ireland! - woelfin.at
8:06 AM
28.2.03
6-corr feb 28th european time
my friend felt physically very weak when we woke up - i do not often spend the night at his home because i am night-active and he has to stand up early. i felt so very much nearer to him after having woken up together. yesterday we assisted at a discussion which dealt with the iraqi problem. it was interesting to view different opinions.
we were watching the viennese waltz ball at the opera via tv. my friend did not like that at all and we made a lot of jokes about the people whirling-out there. oh, excuse my tendency to create neologisms, of course i am aware of the fact that the creation of neologisms is forbidden to non-native-speakers. i would love to find a job which includes command of foreign tongues but which does not only deal with pure translation. doing nothing but translations is not very well remunerated, it is extremely demanding and it is somehow frustrating as you cant impede yourself feeling some kind of restricted because of the omnipresent necessity not to deviate too much from the original meaning. i have the slight and humble impression that writing in english here now improves my command of this language. this is good.
8:40 AM
26.2.03
5-had unbearable headache yesterday and would actually have liked to meet an old friend as tom and i had decided to spend the evening separated.
here is the link to a diary which i can only keep for one month:
mytagebuch.com
yesterday i spent in front of the pc, as i could enormously improve my fjuus, the bad company in the internet-village helped me,
but in the end they stroke me all down as they usually do.
tom, who is called p.'sHerrl in my German blogs proposed me to do an enormous translation in various languages.
i dont feel appropriate for doing that.
there are a lot of things to do today outside, i d like to visit a friend who is in hospital. she has had a dramatic operation yesterday.
goodbye for now, my dear blogspot. i am very sorry for having lost woelfin.blogspot - but i m sooo glad for being able to write now on YOU: woelfinsusi.blogspot.
10:16 AM
24.2.03
4-really deceived by myblog.de never seen a tool which rejected me in that manner. who decides if i may have a blog there or not??
shall i change my identity? i never changed it. this is just a short comment on blogspot as today i am not really in the mood for writing. i am usually glad about log softwares but enough is enough. if myblog does not want to have me there they should simply send a mail and explain. blogspot neither wanted me. but at least i could open this second blog here as woelfin.blogspot has been paralyzed for 6 months now!
4:21 PM
22.2.03
3-this is the diary for pair days, the impair days can be found via
Live-Journal
this and livejournal are not very accepted by my readers. i am nevertheless going to fill them with everyday-stuff.
alpha - till 500, monday
freenet - till 100, 3.3. - 2.3. last day 2 meet alx!
twoday - everytime
twylog/intention - if M inspires me
myblog.de - for talking stuff in German
woelfin.ant - rarely for PRESS
tropia-forum quite neglected now
websi forum kept up 2 date
kinski - over
mati - re-animated
diarianerinnen - from time 2 time
livejournal and blogspot in English, alternating - just like alpha and freenet.
all my best wishes to my rare readers!
GUESTBOOK
12:43 PM
21.2.03
2-currently tryin to publish my most beloved blogspots here: http://woelfin.twoday.net/stories/7282
i am pre-writing this in my old blogger which was woelfin.blogspot - it does no longer publish my stories. and i cannot understand why. i can neither understand why i am always in a hurry when i am trying to do a postíng i´n english. i m kind of traumatized with american blogs. they simply dont work. alright now - i m tryin to post THIS!
12:01 PM
20.2.03
1-status.blogger.com this is my following up blog to woelfin which has not taken any stories since sep 4th 2002. i hope this will work better
as for the moment even livejournal is out of order: LiveJournal is currently under a Distributed Denial of Service attack, and has been since about 5:30pm PST (1:30 AM GMT) on 2/19. We have been working with our upstream providers (including several major backbones) to filter traffic as quickly and effectively as possible.
11:45 PM
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