|
|
| |
|
|
| |
my free text in the red field
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
12.7.03
18-now one could say i am really getting confused with all these weblogs. but i think i have found the clou -it is this one woelfin.at/tag -and this is not a messageboard (tagboard) but a diary: my new diary. with quite some problems about not knowing how to fill it. not because i consider my life so empty, but for the fact that everyone can read this. as i remarked in that diary, i am positively thinking towards the possibility of a new job. oh it is funny! today i found out that the secretary of the lawyers office who cancelled the date because they had found out about my websites are STILL looking for someone!! haha. rarely that i say that in the net but now i even repeat it: haha. GODANY has left blogspot cause he wasnt satisfied with its performance. but i AM now satisfied. i am learning a lot of english vocabulary thx 2 my work @ fotolog.net. there is nothing more i can tell 2day apart from the fact that now nearly all contacts with other websingles have vanished, i will meet my poldisHerrl in 2 hrs and we will finally have some hours exclusively for us - and his dog. another frightening thing is: just for the fun of it i looked for woelfin susi (woelfinsusi) in google. they had 10 fat pages about me! this is not funny. it is like a file at fbi. but now it has happened. and when i call my mails via gmx i may only call them via susi.yin (susi.yin replaces HERE my real name) and not with woelfinsusi. cause the pc remembers the term woelfinsusi. and if ever a possible colleague works on my pc, she goes to gmx, she only types w: woelfinsusi appears. then she puts that into the google - and then she HAS me! oh what a horror. landed on the street for the simple fact of entertaining 35 cute little sites in the worldwide infinite endless web: a deadly sin - to speak that out clearly: one time for all!
5:15 PM
5.7.03
17-the state of the art, things are silently growing back 2 normal again. we continue in not having physical encounters. i believe in him. he starts to re-believe in me. he speaks very very silently. he told me about his new jobs. people of his caliber who start there have a number of privileges like going out of the office when they like, they just need to tell it: so no 'stempelkarte' as i knew it from my previous company. in the meantime i go through austrian job offers which pay about 1090 - 1350 gross salary. this is pure horror. i had earned 2300 euro in my previous work and i would earn now about 2500 if only i had stayed there but they had bought my nerves and not yet returned them. noone can give me back the good condition i had before i started 2 work there. more and more often i think of what i d have become if only i had not started working for that company, in 1998. they gave me wealth, but i had no private life at all. everything which was similar to private life was an illusion. but i would wish both of us nothing more than working, both of us. on the other hand: he s got a job with above mentioned privileges and i am not even sure if i will STAND the future job! i mean: i go to an office to present myself and i see at once: is it possible or not. it is surely not possible when i have to sit in a room with a person coughing regulary. but there are additional aspects that can prevent me from staying. prevent me even from getting thru' the trial month. i d just try. i KNOW there is an opportunity that will suit me. and if i do nothing: NOTHING comes from nothing. we come from nothing. we GO 2 nothing. what have we lost?? NOTHING !!!
10:38 AM
3.7.03
16-this is a torture. i am looking constantly to mail.yahoo if he replies my daily mails. he doesnt. and it is very well possible that he has stopped receiving them via his server. so he doesnt get any notice from me. i am going through the very well know situation of love deception. he had a signature which said: there is magic in every beginning. and usually his relationships during the last years havent lasted longer than 3 months. and WE have even had 6 months. there are many reasons for him to quit me, and to say in the end: i was guilty. me: woelfin. this is the reproach he loves most. there were men i ve left and they deserved a good relationship and they found it soon after having ended the one with me. but he: i think that in the egocentric imaginary world he lives in, he will never be able to keep a relationship alive. why? cause he becomes tired. and IT becomes tired. in many ways. and a woman who wants to feel life and physical encounters will not be satisfied. so what does he wont? a puppet on a string on his side? a puppet for representation? a puppet who has accomplished her university studies, who makes a career, who stands in life with both feet, as we say in austria? this man is an enigma. and i am really not sure if i am willing to resolve this any longer.
his action of giving away his flat and sleeping room, his - with the time more and more abhorring physical discomforts: this is so terribly destroying for a relationship. for every relationship! and he does not accept this. it is as if he reproached ME his physical discomforts. maybe I was guilty. maybe it was for this reason: it was my fault that he felt more and more weak physically and he had not had these discomforts before.
it is abhorring. so terribly appaling. all this works under the lema: i help U to resolve problems which without me you wouldnt have had. there is so much i want to say. he will never read my mails. i have sworn to myself to write him daily during the next 2 months. until this hell is over. i even thought of taking just any kind of miserable job just in order to satisfy HIM: to be able to tell him: look, i have a job again. do U like me now. do you like me again: do U still like me? was this all an illusion?
u re a man who loves illusions. and it is U: you to throw away now what we had. with every sentence with which i express my anger and despair now it is as if i destroyed the rest of what COULD be destroyed. i havent seen U for 6 days and i miss u so terribly.
2:09 PM
1.7.03
15-i m keen on writing here every day. cause this is the usual way to work on an ended relationship. i have now at least three times tried to reach him via mail and he owes me 2 mail replies. i guess he ignores everything which comes from me. it his HIS role to ignore me now, but in fact i would have considered it easier to keep a rational mail contact as this would help both of us. there are two new ideas about the end of our relationship that came up to my mind now: from today on he is a different person. i have known him as the boy with the baseball cap, holes in his shoes and cut-off jeans. but now he is an important man in a costume with a tie at 40 degrees. but his health problems wont vanish, he can only keep the symptoms down. maybe he didnt go to the med.doc because he did not know where to get the 'krankenschein' - he would have had to apply for that at the administration of 'uni'. oh how humiliating. or is it more humiliating to die from stomach ulcer? i dont know. this is his decision and only his.
there's a second point i detected today: this man wanted the exclusive right on physical contact with me. this is totally understandable BUT: he avoided any physical contact! and this was due to his discomfort. the intestinal discomfort remained not only for days, but for weeks. how would he imagine to manage all that: 3 jobs and a pet? not to talk from a girlfriend who wants to be f---d - if i may dare to use this expression here in my diary. i ask myself who from the two of us lives in an imaginary world. and of course my personal opinion and impression is that it is HIM who lives in wonderland. and it is not me. there's no one to give me contra on this, as there's noone to read my secret blogspot.
8:24 PM
|
|
| |
|
|
|
