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19.7.04
38-it becomes more and more obvious in the office that i draw back from several sociological events with the colleagues. this is above all due to that tussnelda-lady. the other lady: the princess insits on having the window open. the boss insists on the open door. so i sit in the wind and i have headache after a few hours. i try to get out of the horror office as often as possible. this work has appeared attractive to me during the first 6-8 weeks but now it is all gone.
i have no means to get away apart from the daily post-way that i have. this means still 6 bloody hours in the office, and 5,5 pure hours on friday. i would have been willing to do more but at the moment i cannot stand sitting in the wind the whole day. this is a new kind of torture and no way to do anything against it.
i hate it and i hate the bloddy tussnelda lady. i hate her voice - i hate every moment when she addresses to me. and wants something. she wants and wants, she is like an elephant. she slams the door, she is not at all empathic....
i give myself 3 years or less there and i leave on may 18th 2007. or i just kick them all in the ass, and the boss included. and when i leave i just tell him: dear boss: sitting in the wind the whole day causes me migraine. i cannot live with that. i will look for an alternative in the meantime and i will find it: The_Alternative.
i spit on that situation.
i regret having to open a second section here: writing in english is a barrier for stupid young blond ladies who commit cyberstalking in violating google and penetrating into my little world. but i open the
EMOTIO-section: i feel as alone as i have felt the weeks before. i think that now - especially now, it is more obvious than ever that i AM alone. and there is NO one who without conditions just tells me from the erotic and affective point of view: yes - it is YOU that i like and now i say yes to YOU. exactly you and what was before is gone. i have felt that in january 2003. he was the one for me, i was the one for him. and there were no questions and doubts. and now, i'd rather start the research anew, instead of begging that he shows me his pure affection. it is always: wäh, i dont know. i have to think it over. so what does that mean? it means that all the time he wasnt convinced of me and he cant decide being convinced. i'm so totally tired and sick of that. of this situation. waiting on my knees. begging, being nice. being simply here. i am not worth it - and this has to be accepted. the consequences to be drawn must be executed.
7:23 PM
18.7.04
37-there is no doubt, the ws-blogspot works better than the w-blogspot. i have learned plenty of things in the meantime. the lady from the agency has told me that my boss had been angry after he had learned from my precessor that she did not have the intention to accept the job. this must have been a hit in the stomach for him. and se is so sensitive. at least i consider him so sensitive. i ve had that interview last week, it was in an office that was vast, really large, quite. in the center. i saw the lady who would have become my boss. intuitively i knew that i would get into trouble with that lady. and may it be only for the fact that she has a diploma and i dont have one. i d have given my right hand for such a job previously but i know that it would have broken my neck. it would have broken my_ME. and i know that at least I have conserved one liberty for me. and this is the liberty of doing the job that I like. for that couple of hours which i prefer. this is important. it is more than this: it is ESSENTIAL. i was sitting in my kitchen. and i said to myself decisively: i am not at all able and willing to cheat on me, to cheat on myself and on my intuition. i have counted the weeks. and well, we DO have 13 weeks more with that lady tussnelda who is becoming worse and worse for my wellbeing - but i know with that little warm ambiance that we have: the basis lets say: we'll get thru it 2gether.
thursday: a youngstar helped me finally putting into order the mobiliar, i am curious about how it will be monday, and if my 'melisse' has survived the hot weekend. oh i m so very afraid for this melisse. if noone cared for it thru these days - it will be totally dry on monday. it does not stand that much warmth.
these are the days the weeks when i find myself being a bit afraid of going back to work. and especially in that work i am not used to being afraid this way. i'll do my thing. i'll see the coach. i'll look into his eyes and i know how he feels. how i feel. and so.
1:02 AM
13.7.04
36-one of the young_stars came back to the office. the special effects which i called schnitzer before, i call them now schnetzi/-s; i have my reasons. schnetzi today was only a thing with a phone number. i had to arrange internet connection for an annexed office and simultaneously i had to write and finish, pre- and postfinish a document for that bloody tussnelda-schnepfe. she becomes more and more unbearable everyday. the music she listens to through her headphones, she puts it SO loud that one must even listen to her hardrock THROUGH her phones. then in the concentrated silence of the office she bursts out into squilling laughter. just like that without any reason. cause the ambiance she creates herself and INSIDE herself is a loud and aggressive one. she is false. i have a false impression of her. i do not at all have that kind of impression with my princess. but the tussnelda is a wandering desaster.
the youngstar had wanted to remain on holidays - he didnt. the 2nd youngstar comes 2morrow, coach was here 2day and will be 2 morrow. i have a job application date 2morrow, i dont take it seriously. and i will leave office at 2:30p.m.
10:26 PM
9.7.04
35-i ve had severe problems yesterday, posting a stori into my other log, the simplier one -the blogspot. i hope that at least this time it is going to work here on blogspot. today was a strange day between tussnelda, princess and me. after i had come back from the post tussnelda had switched her music loud and i can not work and concentrate at all when there's background music in the room. when we were alone tussnelda asked me and i explained her that. at least i can talk openly about how i oppose to this and why. above all the 2 ladies know that today it was ME who had a lot of tasks to work on and still i have not accomplished everything. i'll work on the translation on monday and i took an internet research home, cause this is in any case much more appropriate to concentrate, work in pleasure and peace. apart from that tussneldas landlady is going on a feast and she invited tussnelda and me. as this is an overnightstay i am not yet sure if i want to accept. i would need so much coming out of the city. but tussnelda - as nice as she may be at times: at the end of the day - she is a tussnelda and therefore unbearable. with her loud voice, squilling laughter and broken english.
i ve spent 3 hrs with the agency. it was as usual a very intense series of talks which i have had there. oh i so absolutely want to see again Ms. A, who had showed me the job at the end of may.
dear coach - gonna C U in 3 day's Time. it'll be fine, at least i hope so... - without misty music-stuff.
7:27 PM
7.7.04
34-i saw U and u ve had your hair cut. oh i cant tell U how abominable i consider our tussnelda. everytime she goes to the printer to take out one of her sheets, she plays so much the tussnelda role in her gesture and the way she walks: and then she is loud, so loud and she talks so loud in her bad english.
oh i count the weeks until she is gone. after this week it will still be more some 14 weeks. i'm gonna get thru that somehow.
oh Coach - there was a moment today when in your look you signalled me IF I - if I; i mean... i dont even dare to write it cause it is really SO over-estimated.
i'll stay away from the office 2morrow, gonna C U monday.
and let me mention todays schnitzi which was really not weak:
i had exchanged two characters in our account number on a money transfer which anyway had not yet been valid. and with exactly this money transfer coach went 2 the bank in order to identify himself. and THIS is absolutely the kind of mistake which a secretary has not to commit at ALL!
i feel so very embarrassed and let me convince you of my deep and unlimited respect for U considering the understanding and empathic way in which you behave when such a sacrilege occurs.
i'll know it by heart our account number: i swear.
let me embrace you in my thoughts.
and our PRINCESS - the princess: SHE is simply 'SUPER' !
8:26 PM
6.7.04
33-it was a day without you but we're gonna see each other tomorrow. i made good progress and still have another 3,5 pages to translate. i like this although the practicant colleague bothers me more and more. our communication is somewhat damaged, though with U - with U coach, the communication is extra-good. i can talk about everything with U i can talk to U as if U were a friend: i adore you.
i adore our princess, as well. she is one of the few empathic ladies in this world who are authentic, as well. sometimes life is so hard and i want to give up everything. and then i tell myself: i have nothing but U and i continue and do it for the 2 of U.
TOMORROW: we're gonna C each other 2morrow, and i washed my hair extra for this. apart from this i have tried desperately to reach the secretary or the person responsible for FDH. after a couple of months and silence they finally want to invite me for a talk. i am no longer very convinced of them but will endeavour with all my means to get a date for this important interview!
but remember coach, that i adore U
i would not realize the thought of leaving you. continuing for IT is a question of conscience, of vocation and our view towards the world (breaking apart).
7:53 PM
32-it is now really becoming hell considering that my private life gets more and more paralyzed. i have now had to make a decision which was highly imminent. it is no longer possible to write openly for any kind of public. this is even a reproach which they do to me after having lurked in.
but this here, it is a joblog. and i fear now that i put too much emphasis on my sympathy for a certain person who, as a matter of professionality, is totally indifferent to me. even when the sun rises, in the moment he smiles at me: it may be fake.
and i cannot believe in anything, in anyone.
i have now nothing but this work. this is not a very good sign. i will endeavour to find the missing counterpart in private life. and this is harder than it has ever been all those years before.
4:45 AM
5.7.04
31-i have decided to call that new lady from abroad simply tussnelda. cause she is absolutely THAT. we've got her for 15 more weeks and i will be so so glad when she's gone. nevertheless: you, me and princess - we've had a quiet day of harmony apart from the fact that i had to work on these 'tables'. but they'll be finished by tomorrow when i can finally dedicate myself to my own contract and to the first part of the big - longexpected - translation. apart from that linharts lady from ada called. she can slip down at the back of my ass if she desires.
ah we were quite cool to each other, i could of course not hinder myself of committing one more of those very favoured schnitzis: you showed me the printout of an internet site with - as usual the link below. and you told me: research. here is the link. and i said: i SEE it. but this should have been: OH - this is practical!
please understand: in all my collness (mmpfh -) i just called 2 say: I L*** U.
6:30 PM
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